8.11.2013

Things Are Going So Well (0.0)

I had confronted my fear of heights as a child. Even then, I refused to let it chain me to the ground. In high school, I climbed to the highest diving platform to jump. Once I got to the top and stood over the pool way, way down there, I changed my mind. But as I turned to climb back down the ladder, my teacher yelled to me to stop there and go through with it. Called out and embarrassed, and before I learned how to assert an unflinching, "Screw you, pal," I walked to the edge and stepped off.

If you think I am now going to praise the teacher for the lesson learned, no. He was an asshole. I had already learned not to fear the fear, to suck it up and get the hard part over with; the first lesson I learned from that experience was that I hate the feeling of falling. Thrill seekers, I love you. You are fucking nutter butter.

Here I am again, having put myself on the high platform. I am again facing one helluva leap of faith, and I am again feeling the urge to turn around and climb back down.

FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Things are going well, so well it is scaring me. I have spent three years and perhaps a lifetime building formidable walls around my comfort zone, and because I pounced on the opportunity for an entirely new career path among other things, I am now miles and miles outside it and feeling wholly unnerved. Ultimately, I fear the other shoe dropping with that familiar impossible force and clipping me in the jaw, but there are little-big things, too. I still avoid the news. I have only begun to listen to the radio again when the controls are out of my immediate reach. I still avoid small talk. All of those things are about controlling triggers, a skill I have mastered, and I am going to let it go.

Just let it go as if it hasn't been all about self-preservation, as if it hasn't been what has kept me alive and relatively sane while walking through an R-rated Wonderland created by demons on LSD.

I didn't learn a helpful lesson on that platform. I learned it giving birth and surviving my late husband's death (first time I have used that "late" term, by the way). Just breathe and relax into it.

Just breathe and relax into it. Let it happen.

Just breathe and relax into it. Let it happen.

I'm going to throw up.

2 comments:

  1. Love love love this! How have I never read your blog before! I "met" you a long time ago at a place that has helped us both! Love you girl!

    JeanE

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jeannie!! ((((hugs)))) It is great to "see" you! I hope things are going well for you <3

    ReplyDelete